Thank you for calling Tide

A few days ago, I'm doing laundry and come to a load of kids' clothes, blankets and such. So I load up the washing machine and run the water and get my bottle of TideFree to add. Except the bottle is empty. No worries, though because I have a brand new bottle. Just have to unscrew the cap.

But the cap doesn't unscrew. It's been hermetically sealed by forces unknown to the common everyday domestic engineer and I lack the necessary strength to separate cap from container. So I, of course, fall back on plan B - the resource of women everywhere who, for generations have asked hubby to get the lid off.

But, Erik also lacks the necessary strength to separate cap from container so while man-with-a-plan goes searching for implements of destruction, I decide to call Tide for the combination of required skills to open my bottle of detergent.

Being a large corporation, Tide has one of those fandangled answering systems to properly route your call to the proper department. While I'm waiting for the option "If you can't seem to get into your detergent, press #" to come up, I'm trying to wriggle a butter knife (because sharp objects and I have this ongoing bloodthirsty relationship) between the cap and container.

"If you would like more information on our products, press 1"

I'm sure I can get this knife in here...

"If you would like to know where to purchase Tide products, press 4"

Just a little bit more, I think I'm making progress...

Too much pressure and not enough counterforce results in said butter knife skipping across my middle and ring finger ... ouch ... blood everywhere.

"If this is a medical emergency, press 9"

Well... It is now!

Um, yeah, hi... I seem to have amputated part of my hand trying to open this bottle of TideFree. Do you want to call the ambulance or should I?

Erik emerges with the proper implements of destruction to separate the cap from container and pours the contents into the empty bottle while I'm upstairs bandaging my wounds. The laundry process was resumed and in 4-6 weeks, I'll get a coupon in the mail.

Thank you for calling Tide.